Pregorexic.....

I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Well, actually, this morning I was fine, but now.........thats a whole different story.
I guess it started off when I was trying to get dressed for the day (at 3:00) and NOTHING FIT!!!!!!!!! Except for my insanely HUGE maternity jeans. I put them on and instantly started balling. How can I be so FAT!?!?!?!?!!? Just knowing that my jeans look like a paraschute when you hold them up, I can only imagine how wide my butt looks in them since it fills them out completly!!!!! So, I refused to wear them. I crammed my rear end in a size 28 maternity jeans (which I had to clip the elastic in the waist a few months ago cuz it was tight even then!) These jeans looked HUGE to me when I first got them (compared to my pre-pregnancy jeans) but I figured "hey, maybe I'll grow into them." Well, lets just say...I grew in to them, and then some. So I was stuffed in these super cute Seven For All Mankind maternity jeans, and I sat down on the couch and couldnt even bend at the waist, they were so tight. Another crying episode. Then I just refuesed to put on anything but my second hand sweat pants...which made me feel even worse, that I have to resort to sweat pants.......
*5 minutes later*...........sorry, had to break to eat my Oriental flavored Ramon Noodle soup...nom,nom,nom.
So anyways - I wish I could be one of those super cute pregnant girls, but Im not. My sister in law was telling me about an actual disease called Pregorexia, where pregnant ladies refuse to gain weight during pregnancy, only the bare minimum. Seriously people, why hurt your baby to salvage your own self image??? Although, I have to admit, the thought has crossed my mind, I would just never follow through with it. Everyone keeps telling me to just worry about the weight after I have the baby. But thats EXACTLY what Im worried about people!! What if my butt never shrinks back down??? What if I have relief society arms for the rest of my life??? I cant deal with that!!!!!!! What if Im covered in stretch marks and I can never wear a bikini again? Or fit into my super cute jeans!!?!??!?!?!?! What if I get stretch marks on my belly (keep fingers crossed that I DONT!) and I have a bunch of saggy skin??? Im freaking myself out. Oh, I dont actually want you to answer these questions. Im just venting. And Im sick of everyone telling me that Im not fat, so dont do that either. Cuz I am fat, and I know it.
Now my doctor has me freaking out even more (actually, the nurse) because she said my due date is Jan 18th, according to my chart. I was like " well, when I had the ultrasound they told me it was the 8th. She was like, " well, we will just go by the chart". So great, they just tacked on another 2 weeks!!!!!! Do you know how much fatter I am going to get with an extra two weeks!?!?!??!?! Castor oil here I come!!!!!!