Cut the cheese cowboy

So I will get the kid stuff out of the way first. Jacob has been taking a #2 like every second of every day for the past few weeks, consequently he has a terrible diaper rash. Last night it was bleeding and he was screaming in pain. Its freaking sad and I cant seem to get rid of the rash. Any suggestions???
I was at the deli counter at Wal-Mart the other day. I ordered a 1/2 pound of Muenster cheese (yum). The dude fiddled around for a minute with the cheese slicer, then said "Its not working. I'll be right back to cut the cheese". I proceeded to belly laugh across the counter and he stood there for a second looking completely perturbed then walked away. Apparently the term "cut the cheese" has a completely different meaning to some people. The best part was when my laughing ended with a huge snort. I used my peripheral vision to see if anyone witnessed my moment of weakness. To my relief I was surrounded by 3 senior citizens whom I doubt had their hearing aids turned up enough to hear anything. One of them did however tell me how handsome my daughter is. I don't know, maybe a hundred years ago the term "handsome" was used to describe 3 year old girls with tutus and ballet shoes. Get with the times geezer! (I kid, I kid) (j/k)
So while I'm on the subject, I'll tell you another story about my trip to Walley World. As I'm walking out of the store, the totally ancient door greeter was all "oooh I like people like you, it gives me job security". I stared blankly at her, cuz really, I didn't feel like putting in the effort to respond loud enough for her to hear me. She was all "you got a lot of groceries"...again my response was a blank stare.
So I'm loading the groceries in the back of my car and I got that weird feeling that I was being watched, so I turned around and came nose to nose with an 80 year old cowboy.He was just standing there, waiting. (how long had he been there? Who knows. But Im a little dissapointed in myself for letting my guard down. Im usually way more aware of my surroundings) He was cool though cuz his cowboy hat was like straight outta the cartoons. Lets see if I can find a pic....

Yea, something like this, minus the sherrif badge and Donny Osmand look-alike. hehe. I wish I could find a picture to represent the boots and spurs he was rocking. Use your imagination people.
So he was all "Is there any food left in the store?" (I have to admit, I bought a LOT of groceries) but I totally had to take advantage of the fact that Derek was at home with the baby so I stocked up on like everything that I could fit in the cart.
Since his hat was so awesome I decided to ditch my original plan of blankly staring at anyone who tries to talk to me in public and responded " Yea, but only the broccoli and dented cans". BIG MISTAKE! Now I remember why I don't talk to ancients. He had no sense of personal space and invaded my bubble the entire time he stood there telling me his life story. (the worst part is that he was pretty tall for a geezer so I had to look slightly up to see his face which put the sun directly in my path of vision, so he got an up-close and personal look at my hideous squinty squished up no makeup face) But that's what you get for standing so close and forcing me to stare into the sun. I walked away while he was in mid sentence because it was becoming obvious that he was in the conversation for the long haul. But really, how long was I suppose to listen to his story about his esophagitus, and arthritis (but only when it rains, and how can you complain about that in Arizona! We're lucky if we get 2 days of rain a year dude) And his shoulders are getting bad and he wants to lose 20 pounds but only from his pot belly. So thank you ancient cowboy, I have learned my lesson. Stick to the plan Mia, stick to the plan.